Published with permission by Canada’s Department of Approved Cinema & Emotional Regulation
OTTAWA — Audiences are in polite disarray this week as the surprise box office smash Red, White & Blue Dawn continues its historic run. The film, which depicts the unthinkable—Americans showing up without inviting themselves first—has sparked record-breaking sales of buttered popcorn and emotional support flannel, leaving Canadians unsure whether to be offended or offer snacks.
“We just didn’t know how to feel,” said Toronto resident Doug McKinnon, sipping a lukewarm Tim Hortons double-double. “I mean, on the one hand, it’s an act of war. On the other, the soldiers wiped their boots before entering.”
“I wanted to give them cookies,” added a woman from Manitoba. “They seemed cold.”
Produced by the Bureau of Emotionally Conflicted Cinema, in association with the National Snack Reserve, the film is rated C for Confusion and has been deemed “mildly destabilizing” by the Department of Cultural Reassurance.
Film critic Lucien Laroche of The Ottawa Overthinker called it “a bold and deeply unnecessary film that challenges our national identity by suggesting we even have one.” Others described it as “chilling, yet weirdly polite.” The emerging consensus: “It doesn’t refer to anything real—but it should.”
The movie’s now-iconic tagline, “They came for oil. They stayed for the hospitality”, is backed by scenes of American paratroopers descending from the sky holding Starbucks cups and scrolling Yelp for “best poutine near me,” while bewildered Canadians stand politely with trays of maple cookies and mild emotional distress.
As for the Americans portrayed in the film, early focus groups in the U.S. revealed most were unaware Canada had a capital—but they overwhelmingly approved of the film’s bold messaging and high snack-to-conflict ratio.
The filmmakers are already in talks for a sequel, tentatively titled Fifty-One and Done. Critics warn that if this trend continues, Hollywood may greenlight Yukon Vice: The Alberta Reckoning by 2026.
Statistics: Posted by Red Square — 4/9/2025, 2:46 pm — Replies 4 — Views 523